Helping Families Move Forward Even When It Feels Hard

A lot of times when we’re working on sleep, or any other high stakes behavior, we find ourselves in a familiar spot. We’ve shared the information. We’ve given families the tools. And yet, for some reason, the plan still isn’t getting implemented.

This can feel frustrating for everyone involved. Parents feel stuck or guilty. BCBAs feel confused or discouraged. And often, what’s getting in the way isn’t a lack of effort, it’s unhelpful thoughts that keep showing up and pulling families off course.

One framework that can be really helpful here is Acceptance and Commitment Training, or ACT.

You’re probably familiar with it, but just so we’re on the same page, ACT comes from Relational Frame Theory and focuses on building psychological flexibility. Instead of trying to get rid of difficult thoughts and feelings, ACT teaches people how to make room for them while still taking actions that line up with what matters most.

ACT has six core processes: values, contact with the present moment, acceptance, defusion, self as context, and committed action. Today, we’re going to focus on two that come up a lot when working on sleep: values and defusion.

Values: going deeper than the goal

Values are the things that matter most to us.

Dr. Russ Harris, one of the leading experts on ACT, describes values as “our heart’s deepest desires for the way we want to interact with the world, others, and ourselves.”

Values and goals often get mixed up, but they’re not the same thing. Goals are things we can achieve and check off a list. Values are ongoing and never really finished.

For example, someone might value health. Running a marathon could be a goal tied to that value. Once the marathon is done, the goal is complete, but the value of health continues to guide choices around movement, eating, and daily habits.

In a sleep context, parents might say their goal is for their child to fall asleep independently. That’s a clear goal. It can be achieved.

Our job is to gently go one layer deeper and explore the value underneath that goal. Why does independent sleep matter to them?

There are no right or wrong answers. Values are deeply personal. But identifying them helps families take actions that feel meaningful rather than forced.

For one family, the underlying value might be happiness. They may want their child to feel less irritable, have more energy, or be able to attend sleepovers someday. Connecting independent sleep to that value can help them stay motivated when nights get hard.

For another family, safety might be the top value. They may feel safest when their child sleeps in the same room. In that case, independent sleep might not align with their values right now, and pushing it is likely to backfire.

When there’s a mismatch between values and the intervention, the plan often falls apart. Having these conversations early helps us choose approaches that actually fit the family, instead of spending weeks on something that was never going to feel right.

When values do align, returning to them during a rough night can be the difference between a family who keeps going and one who gives up.

Defusion: thoughts are not orders

Defusion is the process of learning to see thoughts as thoughts, not facts or commands we have to follow. Thoughts may be true or not. Helpful or not. But they’re just words and stories passing through the mind.

We don’t get to control whether thoughts show up. We do get to choose how much power they have.

Using the sleep example again, a parent might think, “This is too hard. I’m just going to bring them into my bed.”

Before acting on that thought, we can help them pause and ask, “Is this thought helpful right now?”

If the answer is no, they can practice defusion strategies to create a little space.

One simple technique is adding the phrase, “I’m having the thought that…”So instead of “I can’t do this,” it becomes, “I’m having the thought that I can’t do this.” That small shift helps the parent see the thought as something happening, not something they have to obey.

Another strategy is naming the story. When the same thoughts show up again and again, parents can label them. “Oh, here’s the ‘this is too hard’ story,” or “Here’s the ‘I’m not a good parent’ story.”

They can even follow it with a gentle, “Thanks, mind,” acknowledging that the brain is doing what brains do, without letting it run the show.

Final Thoughts

The goal of ACT is not to eliminate thoughts. That’s not realistic. The goal is to keep moving in the direction of values, even when hard thoughts are present.

When families can connect to their values and loosen the grip of unhelpful thoughts, they’re often much more able to use the tools we’ve already given them.

And that’s when real change starts to feel possible ❤️