Things We Think We Need (But Might Be Keeping Us Stuck)

There's a lot of advice out there about sleep. In some ways, that's helpful. But in other ways, it can keep us stuck in an exhausting loop of what we think we should be doing.

The problem is that sleep isn't really about what's right or wrong. It's about whether or not something is working for your family.

If it's working for your family, there's absolutely no reason to layer on guilt because it doesn't look like the picture-perfect bedtime routine you saw on Instagram. And if it's not working for your family, no amount of experts insisting that bedtime needs to be 7:30 p.m. is going to magically make it work.

Today, we're looking at some common sleep "shoulds" and how we can replace them with more individualized approaches that fit the unique needs of each family.

"We should have the perfect bedtime routine."

When people imagine a bedtime routine, they often picture a warm bubble bath, a stack of books, soft music, and a sleepy child drifting peacefully off to sleep.

But what if your child turns bath time into a water park and comes out more energized than when they went in? In that case, the bubble bath probably isn't helping, and it's okay to let it go.

Or maybe your child spends the entire story trying to escape from reading time. Maybe you've heard that bedtime routines should last an hour, but your child struggles to stay engaged for that long and behaviors start increasing halfway through.

Bedtime routines don't need to look a certain way or last a specific length of time. The goal is simply to create a relatively calming transition from daytime activities to sleep. As long as the routine is helping your child wind down and it's sustainable for your family, it's doing its job.

Let go of what you think it should look like.

"They should be sleeping by themselves in their own bed."

Once a child is past infancy and there aren't any safety concerns, sleeping arrangements become largely a matter of family preference.

Many families co-sleep. In many cultures, it's the norm.

The important question isn't whether co-sleeping is right or wrong. The important question is whether it's working.

One thing that can become challenging is when a parent lays down with their child until they fall asleep and then sneaks out after they're asleep. In those situations, children are more likely to wake up overnight and notice that the conditions have changed.

So decide what your goal is.

If you genuinely enjoy sleeping with your child all night and everyone is getting enough sleep, then you may be able to let go of the pressure that says they "should" be sleeping independently.

On the other hand, if your long-term goal is for your child to sleep on their own, try moving snuggle time and connection earlier in the bedtime routine. Spend that time together before the lights go out, rather than while your child is actively falling asleep. This can help reduce overnight wake-ups and make independent sleep easier over time.

"Bedtime should be 7 p.m."

Bedtime depends on a lot of factors.

What time does your child wake up in the morning? Do they nap? How long do they nap? What time does dinner happen? What does your family's evening schedule look like?

Some families aren't even home from activities by 7 p.m.

When we focus on achieving the "perfect" bedtime instead of finding a bedtime that fits a child's sleep needs and family schedule, we often create unnecessary frustration.

Take a toddler who naps until 4 p.m. If we try to put them to bed at 7 p.m., they're probably not going to be tired enough to fall asleep. Bedtime may drag on for hours, leaving everyone frustrated.

Instead of following a generic recommendation, consider your child's age, sleep needs, and required wake-up time. An individualized bedtime is almost always more effective than chasing an arbitrary clock time.

"I should be giving them magnesium."

Magnesium has become one of the most commonly recommended sleep supplements for children, but there isn't much definitive research that can confirm it’s effectiveness at this point. There’s also no evidence that magnesium applied through lotions, sprays, or creams is meaningfully absorbed through the skin.

This doesn’t mean it can’t ever work, this just means that magnesium can't be looked at as a substitute for healthy sleeping habits. But if a child is magnesium deficient, working with their physician to increase magnesium through diet or supplementation may be beneficial.

It's also worth remembering that supplements can have side effects. Magnesium can cause diarrhea, nausea, and stomach discomfort in some children.

Before spending money on supplements, it's often worth asking whether there are other sleep foundations that could be addressed first.

"Any screen time before bed is bad."

For years, parents were told that blue light from screens suppresses melatonin and ruins sleep.

As a result, many parents have felt guilty every time they turned on a movie so they could clean the kitchen, fold laundry, or simply catch their breath at the end of the day.

More recent research suggests the story may be more complicated than that.

Blue light doesn't appear to have as large an impact as we once thought. Instead, things like endless scrolling, highly stimulating content, and difficulty disengaging from electronics seem to play a much larger role in delaying sleep.

That doesn't mean screens are always helpful. Limiting handheld devices before bed is still generally a good idea.

But if your child watches a calm TV show or movie with a clear beginning and end and can transition away from it without major upset, it's unlikely to dramatically affect bedtime.

Like many sleep topics, this isn't about following a rigid rule. It's about observing your child and determining whether a particular habit is helping or hurting sleep.

Final Thoughts

One of the hardest parts of parenting is sorting through all the advice you're given. Everyone seems to have an opinion about what you should be doing, especially when it comes to sleep.

But the goal isn't to win an award for the most impressive bedtime routine. The goal is to help your child get enough quality sleep while creating routines that your family can actually maintain.

If something is working, give yourself permission to stop questioning it just because it looks different from someone else's approach. And if something isn't working, give yourself permission to change it, even if it goes against conventional wisdom.